Unconditional Parenting
Earlier in the summer I read the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Kohn wrote a book about the downfalls of homework, which was interesting, so I thought his parenting book would be up my alley. Also, I have been incredibly short with Raina and I realized that having new parenting tools in my toolkit could only be an asset.
Kohn criticizes most parenting books because they embrace, what he calls "conditional parenting" or what I call "love with a lot of baggage." He lumps spanking and praise into the same harmful category; the first because physically hurting someone you love is inappropriate and the second because "good job" praise or reward stickers or its ilk hamper intrinsic motivation. He spends a lot of time pressing this point, which is also argued in Daniel Pink's Drive, because so much of modern parenting has become a continuous negotiation of parents versus child. At least my household is in a constant state of negotiation, which initially I liked but now (three years later) realize I fully despise.
Unconditional parenting is about unconditional love and allowing children control and agency and trusting them to make decisions and recognizing that adult's unfair and unrealistic expectations are the adult's problem and not the child's fault when the kid cannot meet those developmentally inappropriate goals.
Some of my take-aways:
I have to stop telling my daughter to say she's sorry when she's really not. Teaching her to lie does not teach her empathy.
Expecting my child to act older than she is sets us all up for failure.
Control is key, and my kids deserve more of a vote about their lives and what happens in it. Some of that is as simple as letting them pick out the daily outfit (which means Lola wears the same three shirts, sometimes in the same day!). During our stay-at-home time, Raina and I made a list of things we really wanted to do that day and we each contributed half of the items. Those days were exceptionally easy in terms of parenting because Raina 1) had bought in to the day and 2) she knew that pretty soon we'd be doing something she really wanted to do.
Finally, we need to pick our battles and say no when it really matters, rather than all the time. This one is hard -- "no" has become a rather common word in my house -- so we'll be working on this one a while.
Kohn criticizes most parenting books because they embrace, what he calls "conditional parenting" or what I call "love with a lot of baggage." He lumps spanking and praise into the same harmful category; the first because physically hurting someone you love is inappropriate and the second because "good job" praise or reward stickers or its ilk hamper intrinsic motivation. He spends a lot of time pressing this point, which is also argued in Daniel Pink's Drive, because so much of modern parenting has become a continuous negotiation of parents versus child. At least my household is in a constant state of negotiation, which initially I liked but now (three years later) realize I fully despise.
Unconditional parenting is about unconditional love and allowing children control and agency and trusting them to make decisions and recognizing that adult's unfair and unrealistic expectations are the adult's problem and not the child's fault when the kid cannot meet those developmentally inappropriate goals.
Some of my take-aways:
I have to stop telling my daughter to say she's sorry when she's really not. Teaching her to lie does not teach her empathy.
Expecting my child to act older than she is sets us all up for failure.
Control is key, and my kids deserve more of a vote about their lives and what happens in it. Some of that is as simple as letting them pick out the daily outfit (which means Lola wears the same three shirts, sometimes in the same day!). During our stay-at-home time, Raina and I made a list of things we really wanted to do that day and we each contributed half of the items. Those days were exceptionally easy in terms of parenting because Raina 1) had bought in to the day and 2) she knew that pretty soon we'd be doing something she really wanted to do.
Finally, we need to pick our battles and say no when it really matters, rather than all the time. This one is hard -- "no" has become a rather common word in my house -- so we'll be working on this one a while.
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