Control what I can control

I tend to worry.  Growing up, I worried about whether my family would have enough money to pay our bills and feed everyone.  I worried every time my father made impulsive financial decisions and I saw my mother sigh in response.  I worried each time I witnessed my dad drinking and then getting behind a wheel; I just crossed my fingers, tried to stay as quiet and non-distracting as possible, and then hoped we’d make it home safely.  As a young teacher, I worried about getting my work done professionally, that I would be judged inferior to standards that were not clear to me.  Perfectionist tendencies, right?  I worried that I wasn’t holding up my fair share of being in a marital partnership and, once I became pregnant, I worried continuously about being a parent and being responsible for another human being.  I worried I wouldn’t love a second child as much as I loved the first one.  I worried that I said the wrong thing or hurt someone’s feelings inadvertently.  Some of those things I had absolutely no control over and, frankly, those were the things that worried me the most. 

Eventually, in my adult life, I realized this statement to be true:  I fear being out of control and that would begin my worry cycle.  I would agonize over situations that I had little to no control over.  Changing that mindset has been critical to my overall happiness.  Now, I frequently chant to myself “Control what you can control, Krystal, and let the rest go.”  If I have control over it, then I can work and work and work to make it be the way I want.  If I don’t have control over it, then I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s not mine to control.  When I feel anxious and worried, I ask myself the essential question “Do you have control over this, Krystal?” and then let that response be my guide.  Control what you can control, and let the rest go. 

I have this posted outside my classroom door. Click to embiggen.

With my mastocytosis and leukopenia diagnoses, I have come to grips with the reality that my disease may kill me quickly and unexpectedly, there may be a long slow spiral, or I may be just fine and live the normal lifespan.  I’m working hard to be just fine, by the way.  I have some control over this – what I eat, the medications I take, the exercise level I choose, how I care for myself – and then a lot of it is simply out of my control.  I cannot control my mast cells.  I cannot make myself have more white blood cells.  With my condition, what works and is safe on one day may not be safe the next.  I’ve had to work through letting go of that as well as accepting my own mortality. 

Letting go of a fear of dying has been remarkably freeing.  That’s especially true right now during the COVID-19 pandemic.  My family is taking many of the precautions listed to make certain we stay healthy and safe: social distancing, limited exposure to other people, frequent hand-washing. However, I can run the exponential growth numbers just like any math teacher and there’s a good chance at least one of us is coming down with COVID.  That caused me to panic for a bit until I reminded myself to breathe and control what I can control. 

I might get this virus.  It’s possible I will be just fine.  It’s possible that my immune system cannot fight it.  Either way, my body’s response is out of my control.

Right now, I worry about being a burden to my family.  I’ve responded to that by carefully monitoring myself (my symptoms, the foods I eat and my response to them, my joint pains, etc.) and preparing for a variety of possibilities so that my students and family would be well positioned to move on if I’m incapacitated or no longer here. 

• Obtain additional disability insurance?  Check. 
• Update Durable and Medical Power of Attorney documents?  Check. 
• Clearly communicate expectations of my medical needs and wants?  Check.
• Update beneficiary information?  Check.
• Guarantee usernames and passwords are shared with the appropriate people?  Check.
• Prepare for disposal of my body after my death?  Check.
• Share ideas about a memorial service?  Check.
• Lesson plan to the end of the year?  Check.
• Prepare all the material so it would be easy for a substitute to implement?  Check.

Taking these steps makes me feel calmer and more in control.  I personally have a lot less anxiety about COVID now that I’ve taken these measures to prepare.  I’m controlling what I can control and letting go of the rest.