Getting Married & Staying Married

At this point each year, I’m cursing Saint Louis heat and humidity and recognizing that the school year is just a few weeks away.  And then it occurs to me, “oh yeah, our anniversary is coming too.”  Eric and I celebrated year 14 of marriage this week. 

When Eric and I got engaged, his aunt Ginny gave us a “how to get prepared for marriage” book that listed out a bunch of questions for us to answer and discuss.  According to the book, disagreements about finances and children were the top reasons that folks divorce, and folks generally disagreed because they assumed their partners thought exactly the same way they did so they never initiated a conversation.  Well, avoiding divorce seemed like a good plan, so we tackled the book and its difficult questions. 

Having that first financial conversation, back when we were 22, was really hard – at least for me.  We talked about debts we had, the few assets we could claim, how we tended to spend money, how we wanted to spend money, what our savings plan was, what we wanted our savings to be, and what our parents had modeled for us.  I remember being ashamed that I was poorer than Eric and I wanted to be less-than-honest regarding my debts, but I answered truthfully.  It certainly didn’t help to hide something so important, and my debts were now our debts, so to speak.  Even so.  I understand why folks shy away from financial conversations rather than starting with them.

The conversations have gotten easier the more we’ve practiced; we’ve spent substantial time over the past 15 years discussing and revising our financial plans and priorities.  Each year we sit down and review last year’s priorities and determine whether they hold true for this upcoming year.  Some of those conversations are more heated than others, but we both have to agree on the final outcome.  We revise our budget so that it matches the new priorities.  We manage investments.  We evaluate personal, college, and retirement savings.  We plan for philanthropic giving.  And, just as important, we trust each other to stick to the plan. 

Having a plan and sticking to it have resulted in some pretty amazing feats and we’re really happy 

and privileged financially.  (We used Dave Ramsey’s debt snowball method to get us going, if anyone is interested.)  I doubt we would have made much progress without prioritizing each individual goal and then consistently working together to achieve it.  Thank you “before you get married” book! 

Potential marital conflict #1 was averted by honest, upfront, and regular communication about goal setting and with deliberate follow-through.  Potential marital conflict #2 actually came to a head for us.  We had conversations about children, back in the wedding planning process; we agreed to have two kiddos and we attempted to craft a parenting plan.  (Speculating about what kind of parents we would be was even more challenging than talking about finances.  We were so young and inexperienced.)  Time passed.  We became parents at 27 and blissed out with our daughter Raina.  One year later, Eric started dropping hints about having kid #2 and I started dropping hints that I no longer wanted to have a second child. 

Eric and I rarely disagree, so being fundamentally on opposite ends of this issue for multiple years was incredibly challenging.  I understand why disagreements about children can break relationships.  Eric knew that I had to choose to have another biological child and he couldn’t respectfully force the issue because it was my body, my choice.  He felt a genuine sense of grief and loss as he gave up his dream of having two children; he was rather heartbroken and resigned about it.  And I felt terrible that I caused him such pain and sadness and that I could comfort him by changing my mind but I really didn’t want to change my mind, which resulted in more pain and sadness for him.  Ugh.  Add in new parenting struggles and it’s not hard to imagine that those two years were difficult for both of us. 

In the end, having Eric happy was more important to me than not having a second child.  He cried tears of joy when I changed my mind, when I became pregnant, when we saw the ultrasound and found out we were having another daughter, and when Lola Kai arrived.  Lola is a spectacularly wonderful person, who loves deeply and lives life fully, and I’m so glad she’s here with us.

I'm sure potential marital conflicts #3, #4, and more are in our future, but Eric and I have been together for a long time and our marriage works before we choose to make it work, by putting in the effort to partner each day.  Huzzah for communication and conversation, compromise, shared planning, trust, common interests, consistent support, gratitude, appreciation, and togetherness!